Hogan – “Ok gents Allied need us to steal a supply of hydraulic hoses meant for the Germans.”

Sgt Carter – “I have the bombs, we can lay them on the tracks and stop the train.”

Hogan – “Great idea, then we can disconnect the barge and take the hose.”

Shultz walks in. “What are you all doing! And what is that?”

Hogan – “What is what?”

Shultz – “The bomb, I see a bomb on the table!”

Hogan – “That’s not a bomb, it’s a paper weight, look.”

Hogan places the bomb on some papers.

Shultz – “Oohh that’s a nice paper weight!”

Klink walks in. “What is that!”

Shultz – “It’s a paper weight.”

Klink – “That’s a bomb!” whilst shaking his cane.

Shultz – “As paper weights go Commander, it is nice, but I wouldn’t call it da’bomb.”

Klink – “Shultz, you idoit! Get out of here and take that paper weight, I mean bomb, with you.”

Klink – “Two weeks in the cooler for you and your men Hogan.”

Hogan – “Two weeks? But Commander, you’re so strong and compassionate and efficient and likable and warm and human and just and fair. Surely you can reduce the sentence.”
Klink – “Why, thank you for the compliments Hogan. One week and believe me it is not easy for me to reduce a sentence.”
Hogan – “Believe me. It is not easy for me to think up those compliments for you.”

Hogan and his men are in the cooler.

Sgt Carter – “Hey Captain, want some coffee?”

Hogan – “Thanks”. Hogan drinks the coffee. “Wow, this is horrible.”

Sgt Carter – “It’s Nescafe Blend 43.”

Hogan – “I do not know what is worse, the coffee or this camp.”

Shultz – “What is going on in here? And what is that! Do not tell me it’s a paper weight, I will not fall for that trick again.”

Hogan – “It’s coffee.”

Shultz – “Coffee? Can I have some?”

Hogan – “Sure, have mine”.

Shultz – “Mmm delicious”. Shultz looks back in the cooler. “What is that?”

Hogan – “I am not going to lie to you Shultz, you are too smart for that. It is our secondary plan to destroy the train carrying the hydraulic hose.”

Shultz – “I must tell the Commander!”

Hogan – “Schulz you just had coffee with the enemy, not to mention you liked the taste of Nescafe blend 43. What would Klink think?”

Shultz thinks for minute. “I see nothing, I hear nothing, and I say NOTHING!!!”, and walks off.

LeBeau – “Captain, I got news from Allied Central. They said to abort the mission. Apparently, the hydraulic hose and fittings are not Taipan. Allied Central want the Germans to have the hose, they say it’s subpar hose and using it could cause the Germans to lose the war.”

Hogan – “Good to hear. Now we just need to get that bomb back.”

LeBeau – “But we do not have to destroy the train!”

Hogan – “I know, it’s for the coffee.”