A Christmas Heist

Mel, the Executive Assistant at Taipan, was having a bad day. Sometimes, she thought to herself as she abseiled into the promo room, I really, really miss working for Disney.  

The mission was simple: steal every single Secret Santa gift before the staff lunch in… shoot, an hour. She had to get a wriggle on. 

Mel had been planning this heist for weeks. She’d desperately hoped she wouldn’t have to take such extreme measures, but she had to prepare for every eventuality – what kind of EA would she be if she didn’t? With a heavy sigh, she approached the wall of hampers concealing her monstrous creation.  

The machine was, in essence, a giant vacuum. It had a long, flexible hose designed to suck up presents with incredible efficiency and force. Instead of ending up in the belly of the machine, however, the gifts would fly up a chute Mel had connected to the extraction fan opening in the roof. If she’d calculated correctly, the velocity created from the suction would send them hurtling into outer space, never to be seen again. She flicked on the power and waited for the contraption to whir to life.  

“Melanie Allford, what do you think you’re doing?!” 

Startled, Mel whipped around to find Neil standing in the doorway, his arms crossed.  

“Tidying up?” Mel responded meekly. Behind her, the machine kicked into gear, vacuuming up one gift, then another. They tumbled up the chute before disappearing with a soft whoosh. Mel and Neil stood in awkward silence for several seconds. 

“I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed,” began Neil. Mel hung her head in shame. 

“For starters, that’s a pressure hose, not a suction hose,” he said, nodding towards the 100R2 extruding from the front of the machine. “You’ve just done Mal’s training!” 

Neil strode over to the machine, peering into its inner workings. “These aren’t matched systems,” he continued, horrified by the awful mess of hose and tails. “You could’ve died, but even worse – Sammy and Phil will be devasted!” He took a few steps back. 

“And did you name this?” he asked, pointing to the text messily scribbled on the side. “The Steal-o-Nator 3000, Mel, really? You’re way wittier than that! What would the Marketing team think?” Neil dropped his arm, realisation suddenly dawning on him. 

“It’s almost as if… you wanted this to fail,” he said. 

“Of course I wanted it to fail, Neil!” Mel exclaimed. “I love Christmas! I’d never do anything that would dampen Christmas cheer if I had any other option!” 

“Then why did you make this hunk of junk?” asked Neil.  

“Because I knew someone would forget to bring in their Secret Santa gift! Then there’d be one person missing out, and I couldn’t let that happen, not on my watch!” cried Mel.  

Neil considered this for a moment. “By someone, do you mean Amy? ‘Cause she left her Secret Santa gift on your desk like ten minutes ago,” he said. 

“Oh,” replied Mel. “Then what are you waiting for? Help me dismantle this thing!” 

And everyone at Team Taipan got their Secret Santa gift – even if a couple wondered why their wrapping was a little crinkled!